My Surprising Life as a Stay-at-Home Dad

I had always imagined myself working in an office even after I became a father. I could see myself coming home and having the old-fashioned sort of life.

However, after I became a part of my first startup in 2003, I started to look at things differently. I began thinking about staying home, being a father first while maybe running a little business out of the house, spending as much time with my kids and wife as I wanted.

Lucky for me, the job market helped me make my decision. When I graduated from law school, I was already a new dad, as my wife and I already had 8-month-old twin babies at home. We felt isolated where we were living in Akron, and we wanted to move closer to family, so we planned on moving back to St. Louis, MO. I even took the bar there and passed, but with the economy the way it was, it was hard for me to find a job in St. Louis. Plus, my wife already had a good job in Akron, so we ended up staying.

I’ve continued looking for work, but an opportunity has not presented itself for me -- at least not one that can beat my current gig: SAHD. As a stay-at-home dad, I rarely have a day that I would consider average. My babies are my alarm clock. Most days my wife leaves for work before our two girls are up. I get them up, make breakfast, and then try to do a little work on the businesses, all while still entertaining 2-year-olds. We work on our numbers and ABCs, and generally try and have some fun. I’ve started two companies from home as an attempt to find a way to contribute to the household finances, but my priorities are my girls.

The ability to spend time with my girls this way is something I never thought I would have the chance to do as a new dad, and it is the most rewarding experience of my life. As with anything new, though, there are trade-offs. The reversed roles of my family, and the fact that I had more of a traditional upbringing, have taken a lot of getting used to, and a lot of pride swallowing. It is not always easy, but I have always told myself that nothing worth having comes easy.

While trying to balance and redefine my role as a stay-at-home dad, I’ve had the opportunity to watch my girls grow and develop into little people. I love playing with them, and I enjoy their company. As a young physician, my father worked 36 hours straight, had a short time off, and then went right back to work. I saw him for fleeting moments when I was little, and never really had the chance to spend any time with him; something both he and I wish had been different. The fact that I get to spend almost every waking moment with my daughters is an amazing opportunity. Regardless of the frustrations, time constraints, and other events, it’s something I relish every day.

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From a Dad’s Eye: Labor and Delivery

My first daughter’s birth was both exciting and routine, with a healthy outcome and an experience that was, of course, personal and unique to me. The run up to the big day was by the book: My wife and I attended birthing classes, went on a hospital tour, and packed our overnight bags -- all with a great sense of anticipation. Here’s how it went down:

Missed the due date: Very few new babies actually arrive when predicted, as due dates are simply an educated guess. Also, many firstborns are late. Our first daughter fit the pattern exactly: Her due date was in late July, but she was born on August 3.

Got our steps in: As the extra days wore on, we decided to follow our regular routine, which included socializing with friends and sticking to our workouts. In fact, we took a very long walk the day before my wife went into labor.

Waited -- and waited: The walk must have done the trick: My wife’s water broke the day before our new baby’s delivery, very early in the day. She spent the next few hours relaxing at home, taking a shower, and reading. I manned the frying pan and made her a wholesome breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast.

Headed to the hospital: Once we arrived at the hospital, our time was spent waiting, reading the newspaper, and talking to family members on the phone. Frankly, when you’re a dad-to-be and so excited to meet your new baby, the birth can feel like a rather long process! And just when the labor seemed to be progressing, it slowed down for a time, so my wife was given a drug to speed the process. It worked!

Pushed -- and pushed! Many hours of labor passed before the pushing phase began. My wife struggled, but our baby would not descend. It was soon determined that our new baby was presenting ‘sunny side up’, rather than face down, and would have to do a kind of baby backbend to exit the birth canal.

Changed course: I learned that it’s important to be flexible when it comes to your new baby’s delivery. In our case, the doctors determined that a C-section was necessary, so we made a quick transfer to an operating room. Our daughter arrived in the wee morning hours, kicking, screaming, and weighing in at a rather large (for a girl) 8 pounds and 9 ounces. She had lots of dark hair, chubby cheeks, and was quite healthy. I know it’s a cliché, but I couldn’t have been more proud.

Looking back at our new baby’s delivery, I wouldn’t change a thing. Of course, you don’t really have an option -- your baby will choose to come out when she’s ready. My tip to all new dads: Arrive at the hospital as prepared as possible, and don’t forget the camera to document those first few special moments with your little one!

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Being a Good Father: Lessons from My Dad

Like most kids growing up, my thoughts about my father were a combination of admiration and frustration. I looked up to him and his successes as a businessman and father, but of course, had my moments of wishing he’d let me just have my way. It really wasn’t until the day I held my own baby as a new dad that I could truly appreciate my father as a father. Here are the top six things he taught me about fatherhood.

1. Support your wife. Learning how to be a good father means learning how to be a good teammate, with your wife as your team member -- never your opponent. I’ve always believed a baby feeds off his environment and learns early on how people interact with each other. Through his actions, my dad showed me to support your spouse and family emotionally, financially, and physically. They tackled being parents to three kids with the divide-and-conquer method, and no one ever felt overlooked.

2. Always have a camera on-hand. From a funny moment with my siblings to the times I scored a winning soccer goal, I’ve always appreciated being able to look back on all the pictures and memories my dad captured. It’s my history, from my birth to my own daughter’s birth. He loved photography, and I know now he was teaching me about being prepared to capture life’s little fatherhood moments for myself and for my family.

3. Be proud of the big and little things. My dad turned everything into a big accomplishment and celebrated every moment as if I had won the Nobel Prize. Getting good grades deserved an ice cream sundae; making the school safety

patrol deserved a movie; scoring a soccer goal deserved a fun family outing. Simply turning a year older was always reason enough for a big party.

4. Cherish each day. It sounds cliché, but when it comes to being a new dad, you can’t take any moment for granted. Aside from planning fun family activities, my dad found a way to make even the most mundane errands and chores a fun outing: Driving to the grocery store turned into a dance party and sing-along in the car, and shopping turned into a hide-and-seek game.

5. Provide for your family. Kids come with expenses, to say the least, but also come with emotional needs that need to be met every day. My dad did everything he could to provide for us financially, emotionally, and physically. If he worked overtime and didn’t see us, he would leave us sweet notes saying how much he loved and missed us.

6. Help them learn, let them grow. Teach your child life’s lessons, decision-making and problem-solving skills to grow their independence. Sometimes, as much as you may want to just do things for them to make it easy, it’s important to let your child learn by doing. Let them get frustrated when learning to crawl, so it pushes them to try harder. Instead of cleaning up my 1-year-old daughter’s toys myself, I have her help me, so she can learn.

Learning how to be a good father takes practice and patience -- and at the end of the day, I am happy to know I have my own dad to turn to throughout my fatherhood triumphs and missteps.

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A Working Dad’s Guide to Fatherhood

The birth of my daughter was one of the happiest days of my life . . . which meant that going back to work was extremely hard for me, as it is for many new dads. The office can take up a lot of the day (and night!), and it’s easy to feel down when you’re not able to hang out with your new baby. But a hardworking dad can definitely still enjoy fatherhood, especially if he plans his time well. Here is some advice I followed that could work for you too.

Hit the floor. No matter how old your child is, getting down to her level is an excellent way to play. Crawling on the floor with her when she's a baby, rolling around when she hits the toddler stage, and pig-piling with bigger kids is always a hit.

Sign up. Try Daddy-and-me swim lessons or channel your inner musician and find a baby music group. By taking a class, not only will you be teaching your child a skill or sport, but you’ll be spending a special time together each week.

Play chef. Every dad has a specialty up his sleeve, whether it’s flipping burgers, concocting a yummy pasta dish, or simply opening a can of soup -- with crackers. What you make doesn’t have to be fancy, but it does have to be your own. Host dinner once a week, serving your particular meal, even if your new baby is still on purées. She’ll enjoy watching you move around the kitchen and before you know it will be able to join in on the family meal fun.

Don’t sweat it. Tied up with a big presentation or stuck on a business trip? Either way, don’t stress if you’re away from your little one for longer than usual. In place of one-on-one play, consider reading a story to your child or singing a bedtime song over a webcam. She’ll love hearing your voice and seeing your face, even if you aren’t right next to her.

Remember, it’s the love and attention you give to your child -- not the number of hours you rack up together -- that counts on the scale of fatherhood. Whether you're cooking or cuddling, swimming or crawling on the floor, you're building a bond and being a great father.

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New Dad Baby Care Tips

The pride and joy I felt at the birth of my daughter, Isabel, was enormous. She was dark-haired and lovely, a wiggly 8 pounds and 9 ounces, with off-the-charts Apgar scores (an assessment of newborn well-being) -- already so brilliant! Yet once we arrived home from the hospital, insecurity replaced these positive feelings on newfound fatherhood.

I wanted to know how to be a good father, but I really had no idea what I was doing. Fortunately, with some trial and error, I was able to take care of my new baby, be of use to my wife, and even become the go-to guy for many tasks.

I was a massage pro when my wife was expecting, rubbing her neck, shoulders, and feet whenever she was achy. So transferring this small talent over to Isabel was the natural next step. Baby massage has been shown to help tots eat and sleep better and reduce stress; it's also an excellent way for new dads to become closer to their babies. I’d give Isabel a massage using baby-safe oil whenever she was fussy, or before bedtime, or just when I wanted to bond with her (which was often!).

After endless breastfeeding sessions, my wife was often too tired to coax a burp or two out of Isabel. I became the "Burp Whisperer," jiggling, patting, and rocking her until the air came up. While I may have been a pro burper, I’m no professional crooner, but Isabel didn’t seem to mind. In fact, I found that when I sang, the vibration of my Adam’s apple on her head helped lull her to sleep. Jazz, top 40 tunes, even songs I made up on the spot seemed to be music to her ears, and singing to her became a nice bedtime ritual for the two of us.

I quickly discovered that changing a baby’s diaper on a high table is pretty scary -- and potentially unsafe. Whether we were at home or out and about, I found it was much easier for me to set up a station on the floor using a diaper pad. If I needed to take my hand off Isabel to wrestle with the wipes or cream, she was secure on the carpet.

One other thing I learned as a new dad: Your baby will grow up fast and you’ll miss these bonding experiences later on. My biggest tip on early fatherhood: Don’t look at baby care as a chore, but instead as something sweet and exciting. You’ll remember these times fondly for years to come.

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash